I'm Afraid I Have To Kill You
by Psychotic Manifestation
Summary: [Oneshot]When Hawkeye reads some messed up fanfics about the Colonel, what happens? Rated for safety, some innuendo, almost cursing, and Japanese.


When Hawkeye reads some fanfics about the Colonel, what happens? Rated for safety, some innuendo, almost cursing, and Japanese.  
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

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** I'm Afraid I Have to Kill You**

Colonel Mustang was sitting quietly at his desk doing his work...well pretending to be doing his work atleast. If you saw him you would think he was doing his work with a grim expression, but in reality, he was wondering where he could find a good toothpick so he could get a poppy seed out of his molars. The damn poppy seed had been bothering him for almost an hour now and all attempts to get it out with his tongue had failed miserably.

He lowered a report from his face and jumped back slightly in his chair from surprise. Hawkeye was leaning over his desk, her face close to his, and her dark amber eyes wide as saucers.

"H-Hawkeye," he said with a stutter, he had never seen her like this and frankly, it scared him half out of his wits.

He cleared his throat before continuing, trying to regain his cool, "Something the matter First Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

"Sir, I'm terribly sorry about this," she said with a light breath, her eyes holding a manic look about them, "But I have to kill you."

The Colonel was perplexed. "Huh?"

Hawkeye answered calmly, reaching for her gun with her right hand, "I have to kill you."

"Why? What did I do?" he asked in utter shock and fear.

"Well sir I read this story where you did awful things to me!" she said holding her gun steady, "Right here in this office... Right here on this desk in fact." With that she took her other hand off his desk, straightened up, and wiped her hand on her pants. Mustang looked down at his desk for a moment. Lucky desk, he thought, before looking back at the gun in his face.

"Uh, oh I- ...wait you _read_ I did these things to you?" he asked, now thinking this had to be some sort of joke.

Hawkeye nodded eagerly, like a child answering a question in school, "Right after you proclaimed your love for me."

"NANI?" he squealed as he jumped back, knocking his chair to the floor. English had apparently lost the poor Taisa in his fear.

Again she nodded eagerly, and then shouted suddenly, "OH! Then I read this one were you took advantage of Edward. EDWARD! Sir he's only a child and you took advantage of him!" Hawkeye was really becoming erratic now and started shooting. The Colonel ducked out of the way and snapped his fingers to send a streak of flame at her, which she easily dodged. Apparently her shock and disgust fueled her fighting abilities.

"Edward sir, really!" she shouted, still shooting. He was now running around his office for his life while she chased after him.

"Hawkeye have you lost your mind?" he yelled franticly before yelping when a bullet took off several strands of his hair.

"And then Maes he- he...he's got a CHILD sir! I can't imagine him doing something like _that_ to you!"

Colonel Mustang took that as a "Yes sir," while she continued to babble incoherently about some stories she had read and he went back to running for his life.

Havoc, Edward and Furey watched the Colonel and Hawkeye from the doorway of the office, occasionally moving back to avoid a bullet or flame now and then.

"I wonder what happened to Hawkeye to freak her out like that," Havoc mumbled, a swirl of smoke coming from his cigarette.

"Well..." Furey said rubbing the back of his head nervously, the others looked at him with raised eyebrows, "All I did was show her these fan fiction stories people wrote and she just sort of..."

There was silence for a moment as the three watched the chase, then Furey piped up defensively, "I didn't think she would react this way."

Havoc sighed, "I don't think anyone could have predicted that Hawkeye would go off the deep end just because of a few bad stories."

"Yeah, don't blame yourself, Furey," Edward agreed.

"GET BACK YOU POSSESSED WENCH!" The Colonel shouted holding out his hand like a stop sign. This caused Hawkeye to pause for a moment.

But before the Colonel could relax and thank himself for his own brilliant plan, she narrowed her eyes and asked, "Did you just call me a 'wench' sir?"

He blinked for a moment, wondering how he got out of this brilliant plan now. "Oh fu-" was all he managed to say before she began shooting again and he was forced to run.

There was silence again, aside from Hawkeye's gunshots and the Colonel's screams.

"Shouldn't we help?" Furey asked.

"How?" Havoc answered.

"Who?" offered Edward with a smirk.

Furey opened his mouth to speak but promptly shut it again. All he could hope was that Hawkeye didn't kill the Colonel and that they didn't destroy the office too much...

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Japanese Translations: 

Nani: (noun) what

Taisa: (noun) colonel


End file.
